“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
Oscar Wilde (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

“Dogs have owners, cats have staff.”
Unknown

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
Mark Twain

“Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.”
John Peers

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
Robert Bloch

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
Louis Hector Berlioz

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.”
Mae West (American Actress and sex symbol, 1892-1980)

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.”
Thomas Jones

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

“Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
Winston Churchill (British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
Unknown

“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.”
Victor Borge (Danish born American Comedian and Pianist, 1909-2000)

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
John Lennon (English Singer, Songwriter and Political activist, member of the “Beatles”, 1940-1980)

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
Agatha Christie (English Detective, Novelist and Playwright, 1890-1976)

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
Fred Allen

“After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.”
P.J. O’Rourke

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
Elayne Boosler

“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.”
Unknown

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.”
T. S. Eliot (Poet, dramatist, literary critic 1888-1965)