P. J. O’Rourke is an American political satirist, journalist, and writer. He is the author of 14 books, most recently On The Wealth of Nations, a commentary on Adam Smith’s An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations (and the first in The Atlantic Monthly’s “Books That Changed The World” series). According to a 60 Minutes profile, he is also the most quoted living man in The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations.

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a “learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ”learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ”learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Never fight an inanimate object.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Fame is a communicable disease. If you get screwed by someone who’s got it, you may catch it yourself.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn`t work and then they get elected and prove it.”
P. J. O’Rourke