Stu: Well if you must know he didn’t even cum inside of her.
Phil: You actually believe that?
Stu: Actually I do because she is grossed out by semin.

Stu: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

Not You Fat Jesus!

Alan: Can I ask you a question? Is this the real Caesar’s Palace? Like, did Caesar live here?

Stu: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan: Thank you.

Alan: I really shouldn’t be here.
Doug: Why is that, Alan?
Alan: I’m not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school…or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Alan: It’s not a purse. It’s a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Alan: Is this hotel pager friendly?

Alan: They gave out rings at the holocaust?

Doctor: I do know the address. It’s at the corner of fuck off and buy a map.

Alan: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu: You’ve found a baby before? Where?
Alan: Coffee Bean

Alan: Counting cards is a full proof system.
Stu: It’s also illegal.
Alan: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon – like masterbating on an airplane.
Phil: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan: Yeah maybe after 9/11 when everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!

Alan: And we’re the 3 best friends that anyone could ever have.

Alan: you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Phil: Whose fucking baby is that?” Alan, are you sure you didn’t see anyone else in the suite?
Alan: Yeah I checked all the rooms. . . no one’s there.
Phil: Check it’s collar or something.

Phil: Paging Doctor Faggot!!!

Stu’s Song: What do tigers dream of…when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras…..or Haley Berry in her catwoman suit?

Alan: [while getting his pants tailored] Whoa!! Watch it pervert! He’s getting very close to my shaft.

Asian Guy: Tooddle doooo, motherfuckers!

Stu: This does not seem fair.
Phil: It’s rock, paper, scissors. There’s nothing more fair.
Stu: Alan should do it.
Phil: Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.

Phil: God damn it!
Alan: Gosh darn it!
Phil: Shit!
Alan: Shoot!

Alan: [Old man looking at his dad's car.] Dont touch it. Dont even look at it. Dont look at me. (old man walks away)
Alan: Thats right. You better walk away. I’ll hit an old man in public!

Alan: Hey, there were Skittles in there!!!