“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”
-Bill Maher

“Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.”
-Bill Maher

“I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”
-Bill Maher

“Hi, I’m Bill. I’m a birth survivor.”
-Bill Maher

“I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.”
-Bill Maher

“Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”
-Bill Maher

“Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?”
-Bill Maher

“Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.”
-Bill Maher

“Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.”
-Bill Maher

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”
-Bill Maher

“Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.”
-Bill Maher

“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.”
-Bill Maher

“To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who’s your real friend? It’s the person who tells you the truth. That’s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.”
-Bill Maher

“We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.”
-Bill Maher

“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.”
-Bill Maher

“What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”
-Bill Maher

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
-Bill Maher

“When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.”
-Bill Maher

“Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There’s no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It’s just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.”
-Bill Maher

“If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you’re an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you’re an armed idiot. If you think they’re going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you’re Bill O’Reilly.”
-Bill Maher

“Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there’s gonna be some child fucking going on.”
-Bill Maher

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
-Bill Maher

“Stop worrying. Hollywood won’t turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs… I will.”
-Bill Maher

“Abstinence is a perversion.”
-Bill Maher

“I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.”
-Bill Maher

“A lot of good has come from drugs. I think `Penny Lane` is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn`t even be born if it weren`t for that album, so it evens out.”
-Bill Maher