Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
Conan O’Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Conan O’Brien

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Conan O’Brien

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’
Conan O’Brien

Tom Cruise’s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin’s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.
Conan O’Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber’ union.
Conan O’Brien

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.
Conan O’Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
Conan O’Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
Conan O’Brien